Oct 16, 2020
#173:
My father recently asked me why I sent an email called “4 Feel Good Porn Options/Alternatives” (which was the name of one of our recent podcasts) to my email list.
The tone of his question was somewhat judgmental.
The tone of my response was somewhat defensive.
But the conversation that ensued broke new ground in our relationship…
…and led to a moment that every son dreams of receiving from his father:
His Blessing.
My Dad gave me his blessing when I needed it most.
Throughout my life, whenever I’ve needed my Dad most, he’s been there for me.
My Dad’s still got it.
In today’s podcast, I share the emotional story of that conversation and what it meant to me.
And it was the very first time, in 170+ episodes of The Great Man Within Podcast, that I cried.
IN CASE YOU WANT THE REST OF THE BACKGROUND
On Monday, September 28th, I mistakenly sent an email titled “4 Feel Good Porn Options/Alternatives…”
…to 300 of my corporate clients.
And suddenly, we’ve got a situation.
My email list for the podcast (ie YOU, and where no subject is off limits) somehow got commingled with my corporate client list (doh!).
Now I’ve inadvertently triggered a shock & awe campaign with the people who pay my bills.
Some of the blowback has been intense.
“Completely inappropriate.”
“Offensive.”
“I hope they fire you.”
These responses, I understand.
My clients had no context for – nor had they consented to receiving – that type of email.
Imagine going about your business and then WHAM, your inbox is penetrated (see what I did there?) by an unsolicited heat seeking missile of lusty delights.
(Which, more than a few didn’t find delightful.)
I felt horrible about it.
I never want to offend or betray someone’s trust.
Especially in an arena as sensitive as sex.
When I awoke on Tuesday, Sept 29th, the day after Porn-Gate, I felt a new wound:
“Sex is bad. Porn is bad. YOU are bad.”
For as long as I’ve had sexual feelings, I’ve had shameful feelings about them.
In my experience, shame is a learned phenomenon, taught to you by others who tell you which bits of you they find unacceptable.
When it comes to anything sexual, it seems I’ve been an exceptional shame-receiving student, and here’s my latest lesson.
This fiasco jump-started the shame cycle’s engines once again:
Fear and angst began their march through their well-worn paths of my psyche.
Until a better, stronger and deeper part of me stepped in and said:
FUCK THAT.
I am GOOD.
My sexuality is a powerful, loving force that runs to the core of my being.
I am here talking openly about sexuality because I experienced firsthand what shame-ifying sex did to my life.
I see so many other men and their partners suffering needlessly in silence for the same reasons.
I am here as a force for change whether you understand it or not.
Whether you like it or not.
I am deeply sorry I shocked, triggered and caused pain for many of my unsuspecting clients.
I am working towards making that right, as best I can.
I thank those who expressed their anger, hurt and fear.
They’ve helped me to see and understand them.
And they’ve given me the priceless gift of seeing and understanding me.
In fact, they gave me the wakeup call I needed to realize…
…I was still holding back.
Still shrinking myself to fit inside the neat little standards that dictates which parts of me are acceptable and which aren’t welcome.
It turns out Porn-Gate (I suppose that’s it’s official name now) exposed how much of my life’s agency I still abdicate away to others.
This has been my nemesis all my life:
Fitting into other people’s standards at the expense of my own Truth and Power.
While I’ve made some deep cuts into this block of stone over the course of my life, it seems Porn-Gate thrust me to the ultimate Boss Level Test:
Am I ready, for the first time in my fucking life…
…to be me?
Not just part of me…
…ALL of me?
For the next 10 days, I grappled internally with how much fucking courage it requires to be all of me in this world, man.
The topics I talk about are so triggering for some people, that my entire track record of compassion, generosity and thoughtfulness can be wiped away with one word, like “porn.”
For instance, one of the women who mistakenly received my email said this:
“I hope [client name] ‘fires’ you.
This email today demonstrates extreme unprofessionalism and poor judgment from a self-proclaimed leadership coach, regardless of whether it was intended for men or women.
The legitimate leadership coaches I know don’t find giving advice on finding porn resources.
Pretty sure men and women can find their own porn, and your backpedaling video that I spent 1 minute and 44 seconds watching just made this worse.”
Mind you, earlier in the same email, this woman said she found her way onto my email list because she listened to the 15-episode podcast series I conducted for women called Design Your Future.
In this series, I shined a light on 15 women in male-dominated environments, unpacked their genius and incredibly inspiring stories, listening to them with a curiosity and at a depth that many of them had never experienced before.
Despite listening to these episodes, where my deepest respect for these women was on display, and I shined a light on them in a way no other man in the industry ever had before…
…one email about porn obliterated all of that, for this woman.
So she called for my head.
And guess what?
She got it.
On that email, she copied the head of the committee who had originally hired me…
…and that next day, I was fired.
After the anger, fear and confusion settled…it left me with a simple, penetrating question:
Why have I built a business for a group of people who reject me at my core?
The honest truth was:
Because they pay you, dummy.
But this dramatic experience felt so wrong, so unjust and so disgusting to my heart…
…that the path forward became abundantly clear:
This dummy is done trading in parts of his soul for your temperamental paychecks.
So, I’ve made the decision to go my own way.
To stop walking the “conditional” easy money path and blaze the trail less traveled:
Building my business for the people who accept all of me…
…even if they don’t always understand or agree with me.
These are the people who deserve me, and me them.
As soon as I made that decision, I felt powerful.
I felt an inner unshackling…
…an uncaging of the parts of my soul that had been locked away for decades of my life.
I felt a life force of energy coursing through my spine, my veins and even…my cock.
I felt strength.
I felt…ME.
I’ve never been more uncertain about my (short-term) financial future…
…but I’ve never been more sure of the special type of abundance that is coming my way.
I’m talking about the type of abundance that’s reserved only for those who summon the courage to be their truest selves in a world that disproportionally rewards conformity.
By reading this far, your attention counts as the special type of abundance I’m talking about.
So from the bottom of my heart, I thank you for filling my tank.
If you choose to stay with me as I walk this new path, I can
promise you that you’ll get my best.
I can promise you that it’ll never be boring.
And perhaps someday, I’ll be rewarded with the special type of abundance…
…that can only come from you sharing your story of liberation with me.
-DQ