May 13, 2019
#19: Dr. David Ley is the clinical psychologist I wish I had during my 4 years of sex addicts anonymous recovery.
He swears like a sailor and gives extremely well-researched and practical guidance about the most relevant issues to men:
Porn. How to approach the porn conversation with your partner in a way she feels safe and you don’t feel judged.
Fantasies. How to negotiate sexual desires and accommodation in your relationships.
Desire for Others. Why “The Disney Myth” of meeting “The One” and your desires for other partners will go away is BS…and how to navigate that while honoring your partner.
He’s written 3 provocative books:
1. Ethical Porn for Dicks: A Man’s Guide to Responsible Viewing Pleasure
*If you’re an Esther Perel fan, she said this was one of the most influential books for her in helping understand
3. Insatiable Wives: Women Who Stray and the Men Who Love Them
Some of my favorite quotes:
“The person who wants sex least controls the frequency of sex in a relationship. Both parties need to learn how to negotiate for sexual accommodation.”
“The people who are struggling with guilt, secrecy and shame around sex…overwhelmingly are struggling with a moral conflict between the sex that they want, and the sex they were taught was ok.”
“Men have a limited range of coping skills to deal with feelings of anxiety. Often its sexuality and drinking.”
“We only hear about male sexuality when they are in trouble. We know far more about Donald Trump’s sex life than we do Barack Obama’s.
“As the joke goes, a sex addict is anyone who has more sex than their therapist.”
“Novelty is really a significant part of sexual arousal. Porn gives men that.”
“The healthiest sexual role model is one that incorporates responsible, conscious mindful sexuality, and recognizes and resists the power of shame.
Gentlemen, if you’re committed to creating better sexual experiences for yourself and your partner, listen to this treasure trove of information from Dr. Ley.
Ladies, if you’re seeking to understand the conditioning and behavior of the men in your life (including men-in-training) give this a listen.