Aug 12, 2019
#32: This powerful emotion: ANGER.
Let’s start in the most responsible place:
The man who is controlled by his anger…
who is cynical, judgmental and cuts down others…
who explodes on everything around him…
who leaves destruction in his wake…
…he is a threat to society.
That is not the man we’re talking about.
There’s another type of man who’s dysfunctional relationship with anger becomes a threat to himself:
The man who thinks he has no anger at all.
Anger is one of the most powerful and potent sources of energy creation in a man’s life.
3 REASONS WHY MEN AVOID ANGER
Do any of these sound like beliefs of yours?
- “I don’t have anger/I’m all good/why is this relevant?”
- “Anger is a weakness, and it should be avoided.”
- “I’m ashamed of what I’ve done/said when I’ve been angry in the past.”
This episode is for you.
7 WAYS OF THE SOFT MAN
Too many men don’t tap anger, deny they have anger, think that having anger is wrong…and over time they end up soft.
- Heavily conflict avoidant; uses “I don’t let it get to me” as a wall for having to fully feel the uncomfortable emotion
- Unwillingness to establish, preserve and fight for personal boundaries
- Absence of killer instinct that others can depend on during tough times
- Growing sense of tiredness and lethargy from swallowing a lifetime of shit sandwiches
- Bypassing feelings of anger to race towards the “virtue of compassion”
- Playing small, conservative games in work, relationships and life
- Smiles on the outside, growing resentment, cynicism and helplessness on the inside
IF YOU GET ANGER RIGHT: THE BENEFITS
Learning how to allow, experience and harness anger leads to these benefits:
- Power and control (vital life force)
- Trust from those you lead, as well as the women in your life
- Sexual polarity and magnetism with your feminine partner
- Unleashed creativity and genuine self-expression
- Confidence to step towards bigger, bolder situations
TOO MANY MEN IN THE ANGER EXTREMES
When it comes to anger, I see too many men operating at the extremes:
1. SOFT EXTREME:
- Denies and suppresses anger because “anger is bad”
- Tells himself and others that he doesn’t have anger
- He avoids confrontation and allows his boundaries to be infringed upon
- Tells himself he’s “above it,” which is really a defense mechanism for avoiding the discomfort of confrontation
- His softness erodes trust from the people he leads and the women in his life
2. SCARY EXTREME:
- Allows anger to control him…
- Knee jerk explosiveness OR
- Eats shit sandwiches until he hits his tipping point and erupts
- Says and does things he regrets
- His anger infects everyone around him, leaving a heavy, dark cloud in the environments in which he operates
SEXY ANGER VS. UNSEXY ANGER:
WHAT WOMEN ARE SAYING
Here are real quotes from the women in our community who weighed in on the question: “When is anger unsexy…and when is it sexy?”
UNSEXY ANGER:
“Anger that is meant to hurt or be destructive is not sexy.
Being angry and letting that feeling bleed on everyone around
you, being out of control, not sexy.”
- Lindsey J
SEXY ANGER:
“Anger can be very sexy! It gets a bum rap and labeled as a “negative emotion” but I posit that it is an amazingly generative and creative and passionate emotion when felt, allowed, safely experienced and consciously expressed.
For my man, and for men in general, the ferocity and passion of anger can be so very sexy and direct and decisive and powerful.
It simply means a boundary has been crossed and that is
unacceptable to me. How you choose to express is depends on your
level of inner work, resilience, awareness, and willingness to
feel!!!”
- Talitha S
THREE WAYS ANGER COMES OUT
What I learned from The ManKind Project retreat was that anger, no matter how good we think we are at controlling, always comes out in one of these three directions:
- At the source: Via harnessed emotion (constructive and resourceful) or unhinged emotion (fits of blind rage)
- Sideways: Via sarcasm, passive aggressiveness, chronic cynicism
- Turned Inward: Via negative self talk (ie “how the hell could you do that/let that happen?”)
IN THIS EPISODE
- Dominick’s journey from 35 years of anger denial to harnessing anger, unleashing the most powerful 5 years of his life
- The 3 ways anger comes out
- The 3 ways men deny anger
- The consequences of a life lived denying anger
- SEXY ANGER vs UNSEXY ANGER: Women weigh in
- 7 thought provoking quotes about anger from the world’s greatest writers and leaders (Aristotle, Malcolm X, Maya Angelou, Mark Twain)
- Practices to allow anger, harness it and express it in a powerful, healthy way